


Hopeless

by Gaudess



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Abuse, Angst, Anxiety, Depression, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mildly Dubious Consent, Obsessive Behavior, Rape/Non-con Elements, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Self-cest, Steven Universe Has PTSD - Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Tragedy, Trauma, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-07
Updated: 2021-01-12
Packaged: 2021-03-10 06:21:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 2
Words: 11,984
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27929677
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gaudess/pseuds/Gaudess
Summary: After feeling hopeless no one left to help him, Steven decides to enlist the help of the one person who should understand him better than anyone else: His gem.Unfortunately despite trying his best, his gem is woefully unprepared for helping his extremely traumatized human.
Relationships: Pink Steven Universe/Steven Universe
Comments: 19
Kudos: 55





	1. Cracked

Amethyst had said that all they needed to fix Steven was another Steven, so it only felt natural that his thoughts were drawn to his gem. He has a vague and fuzzy memory of his Pink counterpart. It’s hard to pull that exact memory but he knows he is in there.  
  
Steven reached for his gem, and instantly filled with fear.

  
What would happen if he went through with this? White Diamond had taken it out of him before so taking it out wouldn’t kill him. At least not instantly. But that was when he was younger and more stable. He was stronger then, he needed to be.  
  
It’s not like Steven hadn’t thought about taking his own life, but now faced with the possibility of death once again he tenses up.  
  


He can’t leave the gems behind; they need him! ̶C̶o̶n̶n̶i̶e̶ ̶n̶e̶e̶d̶s̶ ̶h̶i̶m̶!̶ His dad needs him!  
  


Or at least that’s what he tells himself. No one has needed him in years. One of the therapists had told him to think about others and how his passing would affect others as if he hadn’t been doing it his whole fucking life.

Steven gripped tighter on his hoodie and shut his eyes tight. He tried to shake his head to dismiss any thoughts that could stop him.

He has to know. If there was a Steven still inside him that could fix him, he needs him now more than ever.  
  
Steven tugged, then winced. This has to be done quick or else he will back out, just like he always does.  
  
Three.  
  
 _Tug._  
  
Two.

_Tug._

One!  
  


**Pop!**

Blinding, searing pain. He can’t even think. All he can do is scream. He tries to focus on the gem that fell from his hand and is softly rolling across the floor, but he can hardly open his eyes. Tears are squeezing their way out and blurring what little vision he did have. He gulps for air as his torso contracts with each wave of agony.

Steven swears that he feels blood pouring out from where his gem once was. He clumsily brushes his hands over the area but feels nothing. It’s all his power leaving him, not blood.

He curses through gritted teeth as the pain comes and goes in waves, unpredictably intense. He rolls onto his side, still clenching the fabric above his hips. Anything to try and stop this agony.

Steven doesn’t know how long it’s been. Ten minutes? Two hours? It doesn’t matter, the pain is finally lightening up. He is covered in sweat and tears. His breathing is haggard as he tries to compose himself. He wipes his lip, flaking off bits of dried blood.  
  
This was a mistake. The gem is still on the floor, it’s not a perfect version of his younger self here to save him. It’s just a fucking gem.  
  


A flash of red hot anger rushes over him. How could he have been so stupid to think this could have worked? Of course it wouldn’t work. Nothing has worked out for him in years. Mr. Savior of the Universe can’t even save himself.

He pushes off the bed to grab the gem, but another wave of pain shoots through his body. With a yelp, he loses his balance and lands on the hardwood floor.

He curls around his torso, gripping his sides so hard he was sure to have bruises tomorrow. If he can withstand this pain until tomorrow that is. Wincing, he pulls himself onto his knees.

A sudden flash of light draws his attention back to his gem and a silhouette of Pink diamond appears, followed by Rose Quartz quickly after. They flicker back and forth for a second, just long enough for Steven to clench his fists.

His mother was definitely a touchy subject. Every single time someone even hints at her he is overcome with such conflicting emotions it makes his head spin. On one hand, that was his mother. On the other hand, his mother caused almost every single issue he has ever experienced, and probably will experience. Including this.

The gem settles onto a form much more comforting to Steven, himself.

Pink lands softly on the ground, hardly making a sound at all. He locks eyes with Steven and cocks his head.

“Why? There is no danger here?” Pink stated matter-of-factly, surveying the room for any hazards.

“Oh my Stars it worked! It worked! You’re here!” Steven blubbered, trying to crawl towards the gem through the pain.

Pink stared blankly as Steven closed the gap between them and had clug to Pink’s legs. Steven’s hands tightly gripped the fabric of his pants.

“Why are you leaking? Why are we unfused? This is unsustainable.” Pink blinked. Glancing down at his human counterpart, he takes note of his disheveled appearance.

His hair is a mess, sticking to his sweaty forehead. His brown eyes are looking up at him, with his brow furrowed in deep thought. The alien noted the deep bags underneath his eyes. Pink’s gaze travelled further down Steven’s features as it had been awhile since he got a good look at his other half.

He had piercings in his ears and stubble on his chin, clearly showing the gem just how long it had been. He had a spot of smeared blood on his jaw. His once bright colored jacket was exchanged for a much duller black hoodie, with a faded star and an unsightly stain. There was nothing more of note before Steven pulled himself away from the gem, looking up at him.

“We’re unfused b-because you can help me...right? You’re me ‘n we fix people so y-you can fix m-me.” Steven’s desperation grows with each passing word. Pink’s face stays blank.

“I do not see any visible physical damage. I am intact and you are not ill. There is nothing to fix. Fuse.” A brief moment of silence passes over them as Steven processes the response. His tears slowly stop and his nose scrunches.

“You’re fucking- _ugh..._ kidding me.” Steven groans from the pain as he forces himself to stand up. His knees are noticeably wobbly.

Pink offers his hand, hoping for Steven to fuse back with him or at least to help steady him. Steven glares down at his open palm.

“No. You’re supposed to be like me, and do anything you can to fix me. No matter the cost _._ ” Steven hissed out at his gem.

“Fusion will fix any physical discomfort.”

Steven quickly slaps Pink’s hand away, only making contact for a brief second. But to Pink, it overwhelms his senses. Electricity shoots from his fingers to his heart, warming him instantly. All he can think of is how good it felt to touch him, to physically be with him. Even though his Steven was feeling terrible, at least it helped him _feel._

Steven felt this as well, but was pushed aside by a sharp pain shooting through him.

Steven’s fist is clenched against his hoodie where his gem once rested. The pain is radiating through his core, but the white hot anger is taking his mind off it.

“I did not just go through all of that pain, just for you to tell me that. I am fucking-” his grip tightens as tears prick his eyes once more, “ _broken._ ”

His last word is barely audible as his gem stares at him, clearly not understanding.

“I am fine. There is no crack or damage. We are fine.” Pink says as if it was the simplest statement in the world.

“I’m not a gem! I’m just a _human!_ ” Steven launches himself at his pink counterpart, hands wrapping around his throat.

Pink is taken aback by the sudden contact, and more so shocked as his back slams into the wall behind him.  
  


He can’t feel the pain of his back hitting the wall but he can sense the pain his Steven feels. The desperation is overwhelming to the gem. His attacker is crying harder than before, his breathing is desperate and his face is completely red. His big brown eyes are full of something that makes Pink want to retreat into his gem more than ever.

“Steven-”

“I’m not a gem. I’m not you. I’m not… Mom.” His voice breaks at the mention of his mother. His grip around Pink’s throat loosens.

“This is-” Pink’s voice comes through completely clear. Steven squeezes harder against the gem. _Stop._

“No! You’re useless! Stop fucking talking like that! Why are you so fake? Why can’t you be more human? It w-was the human part of me that kept the gem’s together!” Steven’s voice faltered and he hung his head at the mention of his past.

“Steven.” His tone changed, well as much as his robotic voice allowed. He could feel his human’s sadness radiate through him. He could tell he was crying.

“W-what…?” Steven sputtered, trying to blink his tears away.

He gestures towards his neck, which was currently being squeezed with years of pent up aggression.

“This is ineffective.”

Steven’s movements are so quick Pink can hardly process what happens before he is consumed by darkness.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

It takes several minutes before Pink can fully put together that he has retreated to his gem.

He can hardly remember what happened, he can remember his human half being very...upset? He thinks that’s the correct descriptor. He actually can’t remember much of anything.

His Steven, his other half, had hit him. He had _poofed_ him.  
  
And he caused it.  
  
It was all his fault, he upset his Steven. He clearly needed him and he couldn’t do anything. He wasn’t sure what he could do, but if he was willing to separate them, he must really be in trouble.

Pink starts replaying the scene in his head once more, analyzing for any hint of what he was ordered to do.

First, his Steven wanted him to be more human, so he did his best to look more human. Softer, less abrasive. He formed a jacket like his, but with a fluffy neckline. Warmer. Safe. He liked the soft colors, they reminded him of the soft feelings his Steven gave him when they touched.

He searches for more things that separate Gems from Humans. Humans can bruise and bleed, he had fixed Steven plenty of times to know that much.

Humans can also feel pain. Pink wasn’t quite sure how much of himself he needed to change to be enough for his Steven. But he was willing to try anything.

Pink takes one last look over himself, forming the little details before he was abruptly interrupted. Once he got to reforming his face he couldn’t seem to focus long enough to imagine it. He would concentrate on his mouth, his nose, his right eye, and then everything would start blurring before he could check his left.

  
The more he forced himself to think about it, the worse it felt. The less things he seemed to understand. It was hurting him but it was making him panic all the same, he was forgetting everything as it was happening, like he was defaulting back to seconds before he thought about it. His head was spinning and he couldn’t trust his senses any longer.

He began to sink to the floor, curling in on himself. Trembling more with each passing moment as he tried to focus on his eye. His inability to do this simple task terrified him. He began to lose more and more memories, trying to find whichever one corrupted his gem like this.

Pink hadn’t noticed he had been doing this for roughly half an hour, until his breathing slowed, and he could focus more on sounds. He could hear muffled noises from outside his gem.

He listened closer and realized it was his Steven sobbing. He expected to feel concern but only felt fear.

He was scared of his other half. He had poofed him, and he didn’t want to upset him any further. Pink knew he needed to get him to fuse so he couldn’t cause anymore damage to his fragile human.

With a deep breath, Pink began to reform.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

A bright flash of light brought the sobbing wreck back to his senses. Steven was huddled over his gem, shaking.

It began to float in front of him, a familiar shape began to take form. It mirrored him brightly before dimming down to reveal Pink.

“Pink! Pink you’re o-.” Steven’s face fell.

He was going to be sick. His gem bore the same cracks as Volleyball’s. The very same thing his mother had done to her Pearl, he had done to his own gem.

He slammed his fist against the floor, probably bruising his hand in the process. He didn’t care. The amount of anger and guilt he feels towards himself is immeasurable.

Pink flinches, and without warning tears begin to fall. He tries his best to stay silent as he doesn’t want his face to be a target again. But it’s futile as a small whimper escapes him.

Steven makes eye contact and immediately leans forward, placing his hands on the wall behind his gem, pinning him in place.

“Everything is fine! I can f-fix this! W-we can! To-together right?” His eyes are wide as words just keep spilling out.

“I can heal you in my Mom’s f-fountain!” Steven sputters.

Pink does his best to focus on his words but they all sound muffled and he can’t process it all.

Steven stares at Pink hoping for some kind of reaction, but is only met with more tears and whimpers. He looks into the cracks running down his face before realizing.

“...That won’t work. If it was that easy you would have done it yourself...You have her gem. None of it can heal you. I-...,” Steven let out a sob “I can’t fix th-this.” He hung his head. Of course he couldn’t fix this, that would be too convenient.

Steven lets out a grunt as his hands slam into the wall behind Pink.

“This is all your fault! You turned me into a fucking monster!” Pink squeezes his eyes tight as he shifts away from Steven, hoping to put even the slightest bit of distance between them.

“You...You ruined everything for me...I c-could have grown up normal, like dad.” Steven wipes his eyes and leans away from Pink.

“You are everything I hate about myself. It’s you. It’s all you.” He shakes his head at the craziness of it all.

Steven stands up, wincing slightly at the dull ache in his torso. He stumbles over to his bed and sits on the edge, clearly lost in thought as he rubs his stomach.

He gives a passing glance to Pink, before huffing and turning away from him.

How could he have done this? He was just trying to fix himself, not break himself more.

Steven's thoughts began to turn sour towards his counterpart once more.

He doesn't know why he thought his gem could do anything. It's only made his life more complicated than it ever needed to be.

As Steven was drowning himself in negative thoughts, Pink was slowly unwinding from the fight.

He had uncurled from his ball and was now on his knees inches behind his Steven. He knows it's not the best idea to bother him so soon, but he has to make sure he's okay.

He tentatively reaches his hand out and grazes his hoodie. He feels Steven tense underneath him, but is quickly overcome with that same euphoria from when they touched prior.

Pink pressed his hand firmly against his back, trying to pull out as much feeling as possible. He couldn’t help it, it felt so right. So comforting, he pressed his forehead against his spine as he let the feeling consume him.  
  
A faint glow began to form from their touch as Pink began to fuse.  
  
Pink was ripped away from his bliss with a sharp pain to his side, as Steven’s elbow dug in. With a soft thud Pink was on the ground. His eyes widened as he was pulled out of his daze.

Steven was towering over the gem. Pink’s back was pressed against the hardwood floor, nowhere to hide.  
  
“Are you an idiot?” Steven’s voice was cold. His glare sent shivers down Pink’s spine.  
  
“Why would I ever fuse with you again?” Steven turned and trudged his way past the gem, slamming the bathroom door shut and locking it.  
  


Steven slid down the door with his head cradled in his hands. It took all of his strength not to yell in frustration. Why was his gem so useless? He ran his fingers through his hair as he sighed. His nails dug into his scalp as he steadied his breathing.  
  
Hot tears began to rush down his cheeks. Steven didn’t want to fuse with him. But at this point, what choice did he have? He wasn’t going to fix him, he didn’t even seem like he wanted to try. He just wanted to leave him like everyone else. Steven _fucking_ Universe can handle it all by himself.  
  
What did he think was going to happen? Pink would show up and do a little dance and poof all his problems away? It’s going to take time. He shouldn’t have overreacted. He shouldn’t have let his anger get the better of him and-.  
  
He can’t bear to think about what he did to his own gem. He should go out there and apologize and try to make a better impression. Volleyball’s cracks had slowly faded over the years. They were still there, but at least they were less noticeable.

Maybe if he was kind to his gem they would go away too?  
  
He wiped his tears on his sleeve and brushed off his pants. As he reached the doorknob he hesitated, hearing a faint sound. Steven pressed his ear against the door and listened closely.  
  
“Ngh Sorry… Steven. Let me in.” Pink was up against the door whimpering.  
  
“Buddy, you have to move from the door if you want me to open it.” Steven said half-heartedly.  
  
“...Can we fuse? It’s cold.” Pink sniffled.  
  
Steven slammed his fist against the door, startling Pink.  
  
“Listen! I don’t want to hurt you, but you are the most annoying thing I have ever dealt with, and that’s including Ronaldo.” Steven no longer felt bad about scaring his counterpart. Somewhat.  
  
A soft whimper escaped Pink as he shuffled backwards away from the door.  
  
With a heavy sigh Steven opened the bathroom door and looked down at the trembling gem.  
  
“I want you to sit over there,” he points at a bean bag in the corner, “and shut up. I’m going to sleep.”  
  
“What’s sleep, my Steven?” Pink asks, eyes beaming with curiosity. His mood shifting in the blink of an eye.  
  
“I- You’re joking right? You’ve literally been inside me for years, how could you not know what sleep is?” Steven was taken aback, hoping that this was his gem’s weird sense of humor.  
  
“I don’t have any data on ‘sleep’ in my gem.” Pink stared up at Steven.  
  
“Gem’s don’t have to sleep. They can if they want to, but if I don’t sleep I will _lose my mind_.” Steven emphasized the last part to try and end the conversation.  
  
Steven began to lift up the blankets but not before Pink could once again come up right beside him.  
  
“Steven. Answer me, what is sleep? Can I sleep with you?” Pink asked, completely oblivious to Steven’s tensing figure.  
  
“Pink.”  
  
“Why is your skin turning red?”  
  
“Pink go sit on the- over there!” Steven sputtered trying to calm his frustration and embarrassment.  
  
Pink huffed and walked over to the bean bag chair, plopping down with his arms crossed.  
  
“You still haven’t told me what sleep is. If it’s something I can do I want to do it with you. I want to sleep with yo-.”  
  
“No! Pink stop saying that.” Steven let out a frustrated sigh as he climbed under the covers.  
  
“Sleep is something humans do at the end of the day to relax. They close their eyes and sometimes they dream, but most of the time they just wake up 8 hours later. Like taking a break.” Steven wishes he could get a break from his gem.  
  
“What’s a dream?” Pink’s eyes were wide again.  
  
“Nope. No. We are not playing twenty questions. I’m in pain and I’m going to bed.” Steven shut his eyes, hoping that his gem would just let him sleep. And surprisingly he did.  
  
Steven drifted off to a not-so peaceful sleep. Pink tried his best to stay put but he couldn’t help it. His gem ached to be closer to his Steven. He wondered if this tug would go on forever, or if he could try the organic method of avoidance: sleeping.  
  
After tossing a few times, readjusting, and passing longing glances at his other half, Pink finally managed to fall asleep.  
  
─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

A groan escaped Steven as the light of the sun beat down on his face. He raised his arm to cover his eyes and roll away from the window. However when he moved his arm from his face it still felt like there was light in front of him. He opened his eyes to be met with a pair of diamond shaped ones staring right back at him.  
  
“Ah!” Steven yelped as he shoved the gem away from him. He tried to raise a shield to protect him, but nothing came. Adrenaline shot through his veins as he began to recall the events of the previous night.  
  
With a soft thud and a murmur of discomfort Pink pulled himself back up and rested his folded arms on the bed. He tilted his head and looked at the boy.  
  
“What was that for?” Pink meant it genuinely.  
  
“You scared the hell out of me. What were you even doing?” Steven looked a mess. His hair was frazzled and the dark circles under his eyes could rival a raccoon.

“I was protecting you.”  
  
“From what exactly? Being somewhat sane for five minutes?” He huffed as he messed with his hair.

“Well I was able to do that sleeping thing, but you kept making noises. So I came over here and you were saying help over and over.”

His nightmares. He can’t even remember them most of the time anymore. They happen so often. Sometimes they are based in reality, his many missions that almost killed him, his friend’s nearly dying because of him. But sometimes they are a lot more abstract, with him falling into nothingness.

“Ah shit. Pink you shouldn’t have seen that.” Steven rubbed his eyes and groaned. He still had a tightness in his torso, but it wasn’t as searing today.

The gem stared at him. He slowly reached out to touch him, but was stopped abruptly by Steven grabbing his wrist.  
  


“Pink.” He shot him a glare.

“Yes?” Pink replied, fully blissed out that Steven was touching him at all.

Steven let go of him with a shake and pushed past him to get ready. He was still wearing the same clothes from yesterday. He gathers a shirt and pants, and begins to remove his hoodie, before making eye contact with his gem agan.  
  
“What are you staring at?” Steven asked, harshly.  
  
“You?” Pink didn’t seem to understand social cues whatsoever.

Steven rolled his eyes, scooped up his clothes, and headed for the bathroom. His gem might not know he’s being a pervert but it still makes him uncomfortable nonetheless.

He shut the door behind him, but listened carefully. Without fail a few seconds passed before the shuffling of feet made him shake his head.

Steven wanted a bandaid not a stalker. He knows he needs to give the gem some time, it’s not like he miraculously fixed Lapis in a day. He sighs, deciding a shower might help improve his mood.

A few moments pass before it starts. At first the shower drowns it out, then Steven thinks it’s all in his head, and finally he is forced to admit it. His gem was outside the door, whimpering and murmuring like a lost dog. He tried to press his forehead against the cool tile and calm down, but the aggravation came in waves with each unanswered cry.

“Pink!” Steven finally yells.

“Yes my Steven?” The gem yells back. His throat was raspy, was he crying?

“Shut. Shut up.” The latter half coming out as a whine more than a command.

Was he being irrational? Yes. Did he care? No. It felt nice to be mad at something other than himself for once. He thought about some other things he could do to destress, but ultimately couldn’t get remotely aroused before the next round of whimpers came out of his gem.

He thought about the gems instead, and how much trouble he would be in when they found out. I mean, it didn’t kill him, so how bad could it be? It hurt like hell, hasn’t he already been punished enough?

Pearl would freak out at him and demand they fuse back, it was his mom’s wish that he be this way.

Amethyst would probably find it humorous, or a little gross, he wasn’t sure. He wasn’t too worried about her reaction, it was her idea technically. He could talk her out of being mad at him, he always did.

Garnet would give him a lecture, that one he’s sure about. ‘ _You are better than this Steven, you’re a crystal gem_ ’ he gagged. She hasn’t given him a lecture in a while, mostly because the last time she did he shattered the windows. He was tired of being a crystal gem, he just wanted to be Steven.

He shut off the water and stepped out of the shower, hitting his head on the curtain rod. He cursed under his breath and rubbed the spot.

He put on a clean shirt and clean pants, but could never bring himself to change out of his hoodie. It was a comfort for him that he couldn’t bear to lose.

He looked at himself in the mirror. There was no nice way of wording it, he looked like shit. His eyes were sunken in and his skin was paler than normal. He reached up and touched his chin, he hadn’t shaved in awhile. At least his ears weren’t infected again. The last time he got a bigger size they were red and painful for a couple days before he caved in and used his spit.

It felt like cheating whenever he used his healing powers. He wanted to be a human so he should feel pain like one. If he didn’t take care of himself he deserved to feel bad.

He was lost in his thoughts when he heard the gems coming home. He didn’t think Little Homeschool would have been out by now. He checked his phone. 12:04 pm. He also glanced at his messages; 0 notifications.

It stung a little bit, but Pink let out another murmur, immediately pulling Steven from his self-deprecating thoughts.

The Gems. They can’t see Pink. They can’t hear Pink. They can’t know.

Steven makes a mad rush for the door, scrambling to unlock it. He shoves his body against it but the door doesn’t budge.  
  
“Pink! Move!” Steven gave the door another shove.

The door flung open, knocking the gem onto the ground.

“Ouch.” Pink was staring at his hand with teary eyes.

“We have to hide you, they can’t see you, we- we-...’ His eyes trailed to Pink’s hand.

“Is that blood?” Steven was mortified.

The little gem had a small cut on his hand from some bit of glass or plastic left over from one of Steven’s outbursts. But unlike when the other gem’s got hurt and they had a scratch mark, his gem was actually bleeding like a human.

Not fully human, the blood was clearly a neon pink color. Definitely alien in origin.

“This hurts my Steven. It’s not stopping, what is this- what’s hap-”

“Hey, hey, hey.. It’s okay it’s just a little cut.” Steven licked his thumb and wiped at the cut.

But nothing happened.

Steven almost smacked himself in the face. Of course it didn’t work. His gem is _literally_ right there.

Steven put his thumb up to pink’s lips.

“Lick.”

Pink obeyed.

Steven rubbed the spit over the cut, healing it as he went. Pink’s tears stopped as well.

“Does it still hurt?” Steven asked, he was actually feeling sorry for the little gem.

Pink stared at Steven for an uncomfortable amount of time, processing what just happened.

“...Can I lick you again?”

Steven raised his hand instinctively in anger, something he has gotten used to over the years. He shut his eyes in annoyance to try and talk himself out of hurting the gem again.

In that same split second Pink flinched. He glanced from Steven’s hand to his face, hoping for his other half to put his fist back down. He didn’t know what he did wrong, but he’ll try not to do it again.

“Steven! Are you gonna come down for lunch?” Amethyst called up to him.

He couldn’t go down with his gem like this. He would follow him and make it harder than it needs to be. But at the same time, he knew if he didn’t go down with the gems they would just come up here.

“Y-yeah Amethyst, I’ll be down in a second!” Steven croaked.

Steven turned his attention back to his gem, grabbing him by the shoulders.

“Pink. I need you to listen to me. **Really** listen. I’m going to go down there and you can’t follow me, okay? I need you to be **_quiet._** If they know you’re here, bad things will happen.” Steven tried his best to sound firm as he was internally panicking.

Pink was trying so hard to focus on Steven’s words, to follow them. It’s an order, gems follow orders.

Diamonds don’t follow orders. But he’s going to try for his Steven.

“Okay.” Pink nodded and pulled his legs up to his chest.

“I’ll stay right here.”

Steven didn't believe him, but he had no choice but to head downstairs.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Pink was trying his best to stay put but he couldn't shake the pull from his gem. He wanted so desperately to head downstairs and touch his Steven again.

He couldn't sit still and began to pace around the room, noting where it was clear enough to step. He hadn't really had time to look around the room until now, he was usually transfixed on his Steven.

The walls were a deep shade of blue, with the occasional poster of a character or maybe band Pink didn't recognize. The hardwood floors were harder to pick out under all the clothes and crumples of paper strewn about.

The bed looked like it had never been made, but there wasn't much on it besides a pillow and a blanket. There was a small nightstand in the corner with a box of tissues placed on top. His fingers trailed along the sheet as he made his way to the desk in the corner.

He rested his chin on the top of the chair as he examined the cracks and dents in the desk. He noted that the keyboard and screen were in pristine condition comparatively. There were a couple of sticky spots on the desk from a leaky green soda can.

He let his eyes drift to the large window beside him, watching the waves come and go as they pleased. He took special interest in a seagull perched on a rock nearby, he had never seen such a creature and wondered if it was as soft as it looked.

He was momentarily pulled from his melancholy as he heard a rising voice come from down stairs. As much as he wanted to go down there he needed to follow Steven’s orders. He didn’t want to upset his other half any more than he already was.

With a sigh he continued his patrol of his environment. There was a door that led to a small bathroom. He had no need to go in there as his form did not require bathing. As he stepped forward he nudged the bean bag that he had slept in the previous night. Another tug at his gem pulled his attention towards the door.

“...Steven! You can’t keep doing this forever!” A voice rang through the house, making Pink tense up.

He could hear his Steven make some kind of response, but it was too muffled to make out.  
  


Pink rubbed his hands together nervously as he continued pacing. He found himself rubbing the spot where the cut was and wincing. He had never felt pain before like that. Finding out that humans feel things so much more than he could have ever imagined frightened the poor gem. He wanted to make sure his Steven never had to feel like that.

Pink had made his way up to a dark bookshelf. Even though it was covered in dust he was drawn to the books that cluttered it. He ran his fingers along the spine of a dark red cover making a mental note to ask Steven if he could borrow it. The only other remarkable thing on the shelf was a small amethyst geode.

“...Fucking failure!” Pink only caught the tail end of Steven’s statement, but the thundering of the steps matched the thundering in his chest.

Steven was upset and Pink needed to fix it. He quickly scrambled over to the spot on the floor Steven had instructed him to stay at.

His legs had barely folded under him when the door was flung open.

Steven was crying, his face red and scrunched. He slammed the door as loud as possible and let out an aggravated yell. Pink hadn’t noticed when he began trembling but he was grateful the organic hadn’t noticed his presence yet.

Steven flopped onto his bed and buried his face in the blanket as sobs wracked through his body. It pained Pink to see him this way, but he wasn’t sure what he could do.

Everything he did seemed wrong, but he needed to do _something._

With a shaky breath and even shakier legs, Pink stood up and made his way over to his other half. He sucked in as he reached to place a hand tentatively on Steven’s back.

Steven tensed up immediately, but softened as he turned to look at the gem’s concerned expression.

“W-Why are you being so kind to m-me?” Steven choked out between sobs.

“Fix.” Pink stated, grateful that he was opening up to him. Even just a little.

Steven looked away as he seemed to rack his brain for what to say, but he could only think about the fight he and the gems had just gotten into.

“I-” Steven started before he just continued crying into his bed.  
  


Pink sat down beside him and began to rub his back. It seemed to be working to soothe Steven, if only slightly. When that failed to calm him completely he ran his fingers through his other half’s slightly damp hair, determined to find something that worked.

Steven seemed to like this more and quickly quieted down. Steven started to feel a warming sensation in his core as Pink kept petting him.

Steven rolled over, placing his head on Pink’s lap to look up at his gem. He was nervous, but clearly relieved that he had stopped crying. Steven reached up and ghosted his fingers along the cracks in Pink’s face, wincing slightly.

Pink’s expression softened as he leaned into the touch of his other half. Steven let his hand fall back onto his chest.

“I’m a monster.” Steven sounded defeated. He gazed out the window, lost in thought.

The gems and his dad had tried to get him another therapist. He actually wanted to go, but he can’t be rejected again.

No one helped him, how could they? According to the humans he didn’t have any of the documents necessary to even prove he was a human. And the gems just didn’t know how. They weren’t apathetic, not even close to it, they were just not equipped to handle him and his issues. No one could help him. And no one would help him. He started to softly cry, quiet enough for the pink gem not to hear, or so he had hoped.

But Pink didn’t need to hear it, he knew everything about his Steven, sensed his body tensing long before the tears came. Pink reached down and wiped his tears away.

They sat like that for a while. Steven lost in thought and Pink soothing him as the sadness came in waves.

Steven looked up at Pink again and sighed.

“This isn’t right. You shouldn’t be comforting me. I hurt you and yet…” Steven trailed off.

“It doesn’t hurt.” Pink carded his fingers through his hair again.

“I cracked you like my Mom cracked Volleyball. Of course it fucking hurts.” Steven clenched his fists, nails digging into his palm.

“I am not in any pain My Steven.”

“Stop. I-I hurt you. I’m no better than Mom.” Steven sat up, putting his back to the gem.

His head began to cloud with thoughts about his mother. It was her fault that he could never have a normal life. If it wasn't for her, he never would have been a gem in the first place! He could have had a normal childhood, but her selfish decision destroyed him.

...And her gem was inches behind him.

Pink wrapped his arms around his other half, pressing his face into Steven’s shoulder.

  
“Pink.” Steven said darkly, “Get off of me.”He rolled his shoulders, trying to shrug him off.  
  
Pink reluctantly let go of him and shifted backwards, giving his other half some room.

“What’s wrong?” Pink asked, tilting his head.

“You’re just like them, huh? You’re just- just going to pretend that I’m okay. That this is all fine.” Steven shook his head and gave a jaded chuckle.

“You should be mad at me. You should want nothing to do with me, and you should leave me like everyone fucking else.” His voice grew louder; Steven wasn’t crying anymore, he was angry.

He was hunched in on himself, almost shaking from how tense he was.

"Don't fucking pretend that any of this is okay!" Steven whipped around so fast he accidentally hit Pink across the face.

Pink stiffened, looking at his hands resting in his lap. Tears pricked his eyes but he was quickly enveloped in Steven's arms.

"Pink I- I hit you again!" Steven sputtered as he held the gem close.

There was a deafening silence between them.

"...Do you feel better?" Pink spoke with a distance in his tone, as if he wasn't really processing what he was saying.

Steven stopped. Did he? No no of course not, it's wrong to hurt someone!

Steven had been guilty of hurting himself in plenty of other ways before though. Was this so different?

He should not be justifying this. This is wrong, and he should be disgusted with himself.

But he wasn't. It _had_ made him feel better. To finally be the one to hurt someone instead of just laying back and taking it like he had for so many years.

He felt sick. His hold on the gem tightened as he buried his face into Pink’s hair.

  
...Cotton candy? His gem smelled like pure sugar. It was almost soothing for Steven if it hadn’t been so unexpected. Steven pulled back and looked at Pink’s face. He traced his fingers along the cracks.

“I do.”  
  
  
─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───


	2. Uncomfortable

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please mind the tags! There will be a lot more of the uncomfortable content in this chapter!
> 
> There's self harm and nasty shit. Good luck!

Steven had settled down at his desk, a couple of soda cans lingered about as he started up a new game. Pink had tried to listen to him and stay put on the bed, but failed miserably.

It seemed to Steven that everytime he took his eyes off the gem he would get closer and closer. Eventually he was just standing behind him and very softly resting a hand on his shoulder.

Despite the bliss that overcame them both when they touched, Steven still felt uncomfortable. His gem should hate his guts. They had just fought so there was no reason to be so drawn to him.

“Pink. Leave me alone, you’re annoying me.” Steven gestured to the bean bag on the opposite side of the room, “Just sit over there or something. I’m busy.”

He was fully aware this was a lame excuse, but he couldn’t think about the shitty situation he had put himself in. He needed to zone out and pretend that he was a hero fighting monsters instead of a washed up loser fighting himself.

Pink did as he was told. He began to feel that same pull from his gem he had grown annoyingly accustomed to. He shouldn’t go over there and bother him again. He kept repeating this as he inched _closer_ and _closer_ to him.

Pink sat beside Steven’s chair, just underneath his fingertips. He heard Steven sigh as he shut off the game and stared outside. Steady and soft drops of water patted against the glass.  
  


Steven always had a soft spot for the rain. When he was younger it was fun to run and splash around in. Now that he’s older it’s nice to see the rain making everyone as miserable as he was. As edgy and pathetic as that sounded.

As he leaned back and dropped his hands from the keys he felt a soft warm feeling shoot up his arm.

Pink.

He shook his head. At least from down there he was harmless. He gazed out the window as he mindlessly began to run his fingers through the gem’s hair. His petting had stirred up a sweet scent from the gem. Why on Earth did he smell like sweets?

This was wrong. This was a mistake. This might finally be what fixes him. Maybe all Steven needed _was_ to hurt himself. Even if this didn’t really count as self harm, that was the only way Steven could justify his behavior.

Steven sighed as his eyes drifted down towards his gem.

He wasn’t sure what to do with Pink. It wasn’t like he could kick him out. But he definitely did not want to fuse back. He couldn’t really look at him without wanting to cry or break something either. He tried telling Pink to leave him alone, but aside from small bursts, he was always there. So close, so quiet.

So obedient.

He will admit that was very attractive to Steven. Someone listening to him for once was a nice change of pace. Even if his gem only listened when it came to everything except leaving him the hell alone. His grip had tightened on Pink’s hair subconsciously, granting him a small whimper.

Heh, cute. He liked hearing that sound.

Steven was even more disgusted with himself now. He groaned as he rubbed his eyes, as if that would make these thoughts go away.

It was going to be hard, but Steven was going to get his gem to fix him, whether he liked it or not.

Steven spent some time shifting his attention from the rain, to his game, to some random forum. Nothing really interested him much anymore.

He leaned over towards the window, his breath fogging up the glass. He reached over and dragged his index finger through the moisture.

Two dots for eyes and a wide ‘U’ for a smile. He gave a sarcastic hum before wiping it all away and watching the waves crash against the shore. He thought about going out there but realized he couldn’t go anywhere with his gem in this state.

He ran his fingers through his hair and sighed. Whatever happens happens and there was nothing he could do to change it. The universe made sure of that.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

It was pitch black in the room except for the faint pink glow that covered Steven’s sleeping face. Pink was supposed to be asleep in the bean bag chair, but he just couldn’t stand being so far apart.

He stared down at him lovingly, wanting nothing more than to reach out and touch him. Steven stirred in his sleep, grumbling something under his breath.

Pink stared wide-eyed as his other half began to tremble and cry. Pink stepped back in shock, weighing his options before rushing forward and wrapping his arms around the organic.

Steven inhaled sharply and with a few sobs became fully conscious. He felt too heavy in his gem’s arms to shove him off and was actually grateful for the company for a change.  
  
“What happened?” Pink rubbed Steven's back as he laid the two down.

“It’s just a nightmare, okay? It happens sometimes.” Steven tried to brush it off even though it was very apparent to the gem that he was shaken.

“What is a nightmare?” Pink’s eyes were wide with concern and curiosity.

“It’s like a dream- but bad.” Steven grumbled, not wanting to have this conversation.

“You never explained what a dream was to me.” Pink patted him on the shoulder. He thought it was a comforting gesture.

“Ugh. It’s hard to explain...You slept last night, right?”

“Yes. As instructed.” He gave a small nod.  
  
“Right...So when humans sleep we see things and our brains create these stories to keep us entertained. And sometimes they are nice, but for _some_ of us our brains are sick and it tells us really bad stories and makes us want to _die.”_

Steven pressed his face harder into the pillow. He did not like explaining things to Pink. Sometimes he was able to understand it immediately- like when he explained his computer set up to him. Other times the concept was so foreign to him that you could see gears turning in his dumb little head.

“‘Die’? Do you mean shatter?”

“No. Gems shatter. Humans die. It’s different. We’re different.” Steven’s words were soaked with venom. His jaw tensed against the pillow.

“I don’t want you to die, my Steven.” Pink whimpered as he held his other half closer.

Steven was too tired to fight the warm feelings off, so he let them lull him back to sleep.

To Pink, it was another human thing he would need to adjust in order to help his Steven. He was learning so many things, and he was hopefully going to help him soon. And then they could fuse and it would all work out.

Pink smiled to himself as Steven’s snores filled the air.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Steven awoke to Pink snoring softly right beside him. He wasn’t sure if this made him a narcissist, but he thought Pink looked really cute while he slept. He gave a soft chuckle as he shook the thought away.

This was going to be bad. But he might as well try to enjoy whatever happens. He silently leaned forward and placed a soft kiss onto his nose before wiggling out from under the covers.

Pink woke up groggy and confused. He wasn’t sure if he did that whole dreaming thing correctly, but time did seem to go by quicker.

He rolled over to see Steven in the middle of changing his shirt. Pink felt no shame as his eyes examined his other half's back.

He watched as he moved, making different faded scars apparent. Faded memories of different battles with gems dead set on getting revenge. Steven could probably point to each one and tell a different story of a different gem trying to kill him.  
  
Steven stretched his arms up high before letting them fall to his sides. He grabbed a clean shirt and put it on. Steven quickly pulled his hoodie over it, taking extra care when tugging the sleeves down.

A pop of crimson alerted the gem and he got tangled in the covers as he frantically tried to get to his human. After falling to the floor with a thud, he squirmed his way out. Pink shot up the second his legs were free.

"Steven!? You're injured!" Pink feverishly grabbing at his arm. Panic shot through Steven as he felt Pink’s soft touch graze his wounds.

Whipping around in a flash, Steven pressed Pink against the wall by his wrists. An unexpected gasp escaped the gem. Steven’s knee dug into Pink’s leg, pinning him.

“ _Do not_ touch them.” Steven’s eyes bore into Pink’s with a ferocity that he had never shown to him.

“Do you _fucking_ understand?” Steven gripped Pink’s wrists tighter, almost certainly leaving a bruise. His nails dug into Pink’s soft flesh. Pink was still staring at the cuts lining his arms, unable to focus on anything else. Steven was hurt and he needed to fix it.

Pink was terrified, he thought he was doing the right thing by wanting to fix his injuries. Fix meant that, right?

Pink began to cry softly, “I just w-want to help you.” His voice breaking as he spoke. His body wilted, practically being held up by Steven’s grip.

A silence came over them. Steven’s grip softened as the gem’s sobs filled the room. With a heavy sigh he released Pink. Steven jutted out his arm, fist tightly clenched. He tugged his sleeve all the way up to his elbow. The organic reluctantly let Pink take his arm and slowly raise it to his lips.

Pink kissed away each cut one by one, murmuring “I’m sorry” after each. He said it as if it was his fault he hadn’t noticed until now that his Steven was hurting. He worked his way down his arm but Steven pushed him away as he got closer to his wrist.

“Not that one.” Steven drew a line with his fingers over a deep white scar that stretched the entirety of his wrist. He stared at it, lost in thought.

A solemn reminder that he was a monster. He had attempted to take his own life only once before, after Connie broke up with him.

She had every right to. He had an outburst like he usually did, but he took it too far. He can only remember blaming her for everything. She told him it would be better and it _fucking_ wasn't. Not even close.

He had exploded, literally. He shattered the windows of the Dondai with his shouting. At least this time when he slammed on the brakes the poor car didn't roll over.

However it did send glass everywhere, including into Connie's cheek. Steven began sputtering apologies the second he saw her blood dripping down her face.

They were hollow apologies.

Steven had intended to hurt her, just so she could feel even the slightest bit of the pain he felt inside. He had done this before, but only emotionally, never physically.

Connie would usually let it roll off her shoulders. He had never intended to hurt her, he was just recovering. She had read plenty of books on the many different effects PTSD had on the brain and body to know that much.  
  
Even though she went through many of the same traumatic events, they hadn’t stuck with her as much as they had stuck with Steven. It might have been because she could put a pause on being a savior of the universe by just going home.  
  
Steven couldn’t. That was his whole life, whether he liked it or not. He was a gem. He was Rose Quartz’s son. _He_ _was Pink Diamond_.

And Connie was just a human.

Connie loved Steven, inside and out. She was doing her best to be there for him. She really did want him to get better, she wanted a life for them together.

But Connie surprised him.

She unlocked the door, ignored his blubbering, and got out of the car. She was tired of dealing with his shit. He didn't want to get better and she couldn't change that about him. She turned back once and met his wet eyes before whistling for Lion.

She didn’t have the heart to say goodbye. Tears fell as she hopped onto his back and left.  
  
...And Steven was alone.  
  


“My S-Steven?” Pink was looking up at him, eyes wide with concern. He dipped his head closer to the organic to try and snap him out of it.

“I need a minute.” Steven brushed past Pink, sitting down at his desk with his head buried in his hands. He just woke up and yet he wanted to get back into bed and never wake up.

He had such a nice morning, what happened?

.

.

.  
  


 _Pink._  
  
If it wasn’t for Pink wanting to heal his stupid cuts he wouldn’t be feeling like this. His nails dug into his scalp as his anger rose.

“My Steven?” Steven whipped around, ready to scream and yell and-  
  
Pink was standing in front of him holding one of Pearl’s old romance novels that she snuck into his room when he wasn’t looking.

Steven wanted to be angry, but he couldn’t help but laugh at the sight. Pink was holding it as if it was a precious jewel and not some raunchy victorian romance novel.

After getting his laughter under control, and thoroughly confusing Pink, he replied, “Yeah Pink? What do you want?”

“C-can I borrow this? Is that okay? If not I can put it ba-” Steven held up his hand. ‘Stop talking.’ Pink understood that command well and good.

“Yes Pink, be my guest. Take everything off that fucking shelf if you want, I don’t care.”

Steven waved him off, ending their conversation. He spun his chair around and turned on his computer, taking extra care to toss a few leftover soda cans into a bin nearby. He wiped off the screen and keyboard with his sleeve.

In the reflection of the monitor he noticed Pink, laying on his bed absolutely enthralled in the book. He shook his head.

His gem was not what he thought. He figured his gem would be this all powerful dictator-like being. He expected him to have a commanding voice. A presence to be feared. _A diamond._

Instead he was a little pathetic. Steven is somewhat perturbed by Pink’s reaction’s to most things. He reminds him of Pearl when she was re-booted by the rejuvinator, so loyal, so obedient, so...dumb.  
  
His gem was dumb. He had tried moving away subtly from Pink, to only be followed seconds later. He tried calmly, but firmly telling Pink to go away. He tried yelling at Pink to fuck off, stop touching him, which confused the poor gem even more. His whole life he was touching him.

He asked him questions that even the most sheltered Homeworld gem understood. Steven wouldn’t admit that he did find Pink quite cute in his behavior at times.

He mostly found him annoying. Even though Steven knew all too well that he could not under _any_ circumstances let the Gems know that he was unfused, he still needed his space.

****

He was getting more frustrated and fidgety, he usually would pleasure himself to clear his head but…

He glanced over at the gem on his bed, fully entranced by the world he was reading about. If Steven was quiet he might be able to get off before his gem even noticed him.

This was risky, what if he got caught? Steven felt his anxiety mix with arousal. The tightness in his pants was becoming uncomfortable and this seemed to be his best shot.

As carefully as possible, he unzipped his jeans and took his semi hard length into his hand. Silently hoping the gem behind him was too distracted to notice.

He started off slowly, gradually picking up speed as he closed his eyes and let his thoughts drift. He bit his lip to suppress a groan, it had been too long.

He quietly pulled his pants and boxers down just low enough where his knuckles wouldn't scrape the zipper.

He kept his speed, occasionally running his thumb along the top when the friction became too much. His breathing sped up and his leg began to twitch. His lips were turning a pretty shade of pink from biting back any sound.

He was getting closer, pleasure rising as he quickened his rhythm-

"My Steven...?" Pink had rolled off the bed and sneakily made his way over to the human. He was curious, but didn't want to bother him. That is until he felt something new stir in his own gem.

Steven whipped his chair around, one hand clutching his chest in shock. His eyes were like saucers as he came down from his high and put the pieces together.

He'd been caught.

Pink was much more focused on what his human was doing, especially now that he was eye level with his 'interest'.

"F...fuck off Pink! I'm b-busy." He was mortified at the thought of explaining this to Pink. He rubbed his hand on the back of his neck before noticing his gem staring directly at his crotch.

He quickly pulled the hem of his hoodie down to protect what little decency he still had. Pink was undeterred, however.

He scooted closer to the organic, placing his hands softly on his thighs. Steven's breath hitched in his throat.

"Pink... I was just jerking off. Can you leave me alone please…?" Steven whispered through gritted teeth as a ferocious blush overcame him.

“I wanna see…” Pink murmured as he reached his hands up to Steven’s wrists, gently pulling them away. Steven’s hoodie lifted back into place exposing his twitching cock. The cold air sent a shiver down his spine.

“Uh- Ah!” Steven’s fingers gripped his thigh as Pink lightly poked the exposed tip. He bit back any noise that crept up his throat.

His first instinct was to shove the gem away, this was weird and he never should have done it. But as he looked down into Pink’s large curious eyes, he felt less insecure about it. Pink was a part of him after all.

It was only weird if he let it be weird, right?

Steven reached up and rubbed at his shoulder, averting his gaze while he tried to reason with himself. He wasn’t forcing his gem to do anything, he was curious and disrupted him.

His train of thought was abruptly stalled as Pink’s murmurs to himself caught his attention.

“Looks different…” He mused as he tilted his head, looking at Steven’s length inches in front of him.

“Y-yeah…’cause I’m hard…” Steven shut his eyes tight. Still weird. Definitely uncomfortable.

“Hard?” Pink reached out, fingers wrapping around Steven’s cock.

Steven whipped his hand up and muffled his moan at the unexpected touch. His eyes hazed over at just how nice it felt.

He felt lightning radiating from where Pink touched him, warming his entire being, “Fuck..”

Pink beamed up at his other half. He could sense the positive feelings emanating through their touch. He gave a soft stroke of his full length, mimicking what he saw earlier.

“Like this?” Pink wasn’t sure why, but this was making his Steven happy. He would do anything to make his Steven happy.

Pink began to pick up the pace as Steven gently rocked his hips in rhythm. Pink was overjoyed to be able to touch Steven. For Steven to _want_ him to be touching him.

“Y-yeah…” Steven muttered, completely lost in feeling. He bit at his finger as Pink began to speed up, excited by the human’s reactions.

Pink tightened his grip, rolling his fingers slightly, testing out what his Steven liked best. He could feel Steven tense up as he dropped his head back with a moan.

“P-Pink-!” Steven shamefully covered his mouth. His cheeks flushed even more as he felt a sensation building up in him. All of his logic and reasoning disappeared as Pink pushed him closer and closer to the edge.

Pink was feverishly stroking at Steven’s length, overcome with love for his other half. He was transfixed with the lovely reactions he was getting. He twisted his fingers as Steven fell apart.

“Slow down! I’m gonna-” Steven’s grip on his thigh tightened as he panted.

“Haah...F-fuck-” He tried to wiggle away from Pink’s grip, it was too much. He was going to fast at this rate-

“W-Wait- Ah!” Steven’s whole body shook as the intensity of his orgasm left him gasping. Pink stroked through it, keeping his focus as the human mercilessly wriggled underneath his touch.

With a few more thrusts of his hips Steven relaxed against his chair. He let out a shaky breath that turned into a soft moan as the feeling of Pink touching him dissipated. As his head began to clear he looked down at his gem’s sticky hand beside his semi hard shaft.

“Shit- Sorry Pink I didn’t mean to-” Now that his head was clear he was even more disgusted with himself. He should have stopped the gem, but it had felt otherworldly.

Pink was too preoccupied studying the cum on his fingers to notice Steven’s babbling. He pressed his fingers together before slowly pulling them apart. He wanted to learn more.

“I’ll get you a towel-” Steven abruptly stopped as he watched his gem curiously put his fingers in his mouth.

He was completely floored. That was gross. That was weird....That was kinda hot.

“Pink, you freak! Wh-what the hell are you doing?” Steven leaned back as he quickly kicked the gem away in disgust. He wrapped his arms around himself to give him some kind of comfort.

Pink hit the floor with a soft thud, rubbing his shoulder. The hit hadn’t hurt him physically so much as it hurt emotionally. He thought he did something good. He thought he was helping his Steven.

“S-sorry Steven!” Pink squeezed his eyes shut as tears threatened to escape. He tucked his knees closely to himself, wanting as much space between him and his other half.

“F-fuck off already! S-slut!” Steven wanted to curl up and be disgusted with himself alone, so he did the next best thing.

With a huff he stood up, brushing past the cowering gem as he stomped towards the bathroom. In one swift motion he slammed the door, locking it behind him.

Pink watched as Steven left, confused by the events that just transpired. He was positive Steven enjoyed that. So why did he act like he didn’t?

  
The gem brought his knees closer to his chest, hugging them tightly. He let his cheek rest on his knee as the tears fell.

“I wish I understood you…”

\-----  
  


Steven shamefully tugged up his pants as he stared at his reflection, he wanted to shake some sense into himself.

What the hell was that about? Why did he let that happen? Why did he _like_ what happened?

He rubbed his eyes forcefully with his palms before running his fingers through his hair. He gave a slight tug of frustration. He was feeling too much.

He should not have let that happen. That much he knew for a fact. It was wrong and weird. His gem hadn’t known any better, but he did. He was disgusting. He was angry at himself and at Pink.

He shouldn’t have reacted that way, he was only trying to help and he had been nice this morning and-

Healed them.

That wouldn’t do. Steven was terrible and needed to feel terrible. He frantically opened and closed several messy drawers under the counter, shuffling around until he found a razor.

It was old and not well taken care of. It had a bit of rust and dried blood on the sharp side. It didn’t matter to him, he just needed relief.

If he got sick from it then it was just another thing to show everyone else how much pain he was in on the inside. As edgy and pathetic as that sounded.

He knew it was wrong and stupid, and definitely wouldn’t help him in the long run. But it cleared his head a little and that was good enough.

He initially pulled up his sleeve before realizing that Pink would notice. He had just fixed them and if they came back he would-

He would help him. Steven was going to pull his hair out at this rate, just do it. Just get it over with and think after. He sat on the edge of the tub and harshly pulled up the leg of his pants, exposing old faded scars.

He took in a deep breath, squeezed his eyes tightly, and sliced quickly.

He winced initially, watching tiny red droplets form on the white fat underneath. Shortly afterwards he always felt better, his head was clearer and he could focus.

Steven sighed shakily, tossing the razor towards the counter as it landed with a clunk. Steven rubbed the back of his neck and stared at his bleeding leg. He would hopefully be able to keep these a secret from Pink and the gems.

The gems were going to kill him if he didn’t do it himself. He rolled his eyes at the thought. They weren’t any help anyway. He shouldn’t care anymore.

He started to lean back and almost fell into the tub, gripping at his knees to steady himself. His hoodie brushed against the fresh cuts, painfully reminding him that they needed to be cleaned.

He got up, and dabbed a tissue on them. He glanced at his rubbing alcohol and bandaids. Fuck it, he deserved to hurt.

\-------------------------------------

Pink could feel him do it. He sat there on the floor crying when his thigh began to sting like a phantom limb. He pulled down his leggings and saw nothing before he put two and two together.

It was like the feeling in his gem from earlier. They still had some connections despite being separated. He thought about running in there and stopping him, but he was afraid he would make it worse.

He didn’t know what to do. He shifted his head from knee to knee before sighing. Steven was happy before he did anything, maybe if he sat back on the bed and acted like nothing happened, his human would feel better.

Pink stood up, wiping his hands on his pants before wiping his eyes. He rubbed his warm cheek on his shoulder, squishing the fluffy collar lining his sweater. The softness of it all gave him comfort as he made his way to the bed.

He climbed up, tucking his legs under him tightly as he opened the book back to where it was. The main character was trying to get some scantily clad girl to love him for him and not his money.

Pink wasn’t sure what this even meant to be honest. Why did this man want her to _love_ him? She didn’t seem interested in whatever that was anyways.

Steven opened the bathroom door with his head hung low in shame. He knew he shouldn’t but he wanted to feel those blissful feelings again. He glanced up through his messy hair at the gem on the bed and sighed.

“Steven?” Pink was still looking at his book as he approached.

“What, Pink?” Steven spit back at him. He was too tired to hide his feelings.

“What does love mean?”

This stopped Steven in his tracks. He was thoughtful for a second but only tightened his fists in response.

“It doesn’t matter cause it isn’t real.” Steven gritted his teeth as he thought about how Connie ‘loved’ him. About how the gems ‘loved’ him. About how his own fucking dad ‘loved’ him.

They loved him until he wasn’t useful. They loved him until it was finally his turn to be helped and then they were nowhere to be found. He felt tears well up in his eyes.

“W-well from this it s-sounds like when you care about someone a- a lot,” Pink gestured at the book he was reading, choosing his words carefully, “a-and if th-that’s true then…” He set the book aside on the bed.

Pink looked up, his strikingly bright eyes meeting with dark oak ones. Steven’s eyes were wet and full of fear, he knew where this was going and he wanted to stop it but-

“I love you, my Steven.”

Steven shut his eyes tightly as lightning struck the beach nearby. He wrapped his arms around himself hoping that he could unhear what his gem just said.

“N-No. You don’t.”

“I do! I care about you a lo-”

“Shut up!” Steven stomped his foot loudly against the hardwood floor. He stood there like a statue with his arms jutting out behind him, fists so tight he was sure his nails were drawing blood from his palm.

If he had his powers he was certain the windows would have shattered. He might have even needed a new floor all together.

Pink trembled on the bed, he was terrified. He didn’t know what he did wrong. He thought Steven would want to hear that he cared about him. That he wanted to help fix him. Why didn’t he want to hear it?

Steven’s stiff form relaxed as his eyes traveled over Pink’s shaking form. He looked so helpless like that.

Steven gave a low hum as he got onto the bed and hovered over Pink. He placed his hands firmly on either side of Pink’s head, trapping him. Pink leaned back so he was flat on the bed, hoping to put more distance between himself and Steven to no avail.

Steven was scaring him. Pink couldn’t tell what he was thinking and he was terrified about what he was going to do. Steven’s half lidded eyes painted over Pink’s face, hot pink tears falling freely.

“You really... _really_ shouldn’t love me.” Steven’s voice was dark and husky against Pink’s skin. The warmth of his breath would usually make Pink happy, but this just made him uncomfortable. He shouldn’t be talking about himself like that.

Pink reached his hands up to touch Steven’s face before they were roughly pinned down by the wrists.

“Don’t make this harder.” Steven felt a tear slip out and slowly trailed down his cheek. He softened his grip on Pink’s wrists, trailing his fingers up to interlace with the gem’s. His hands were soft and his bright eyes were wide. The scent of cotton candy was so intense he-

He couldn’t help it.

Steven leaned down, carefully placing his lips on Pink’s. He closed his eyes and let himself get lost in the feeling of his chapped lips on Pink’s soft ones.

Pink’s eyes were wide as saucers and he was so, _so_ confused. He was just mad at him. The gem was so scared he would be poofed or shattered and now he was kissing him. Did he do something wrong? Or did he finally do something right?

_Stars_ did it feel good though. Pink hardly kissed back, letting Steven do everything. He could feel his hands pressing into his, his lips on his, and the slightest brush of his hair on his forehead.

Before Pink could close his eyes Steven pulled back, breath heavy and eyes lidded, “I’m only going to hurt you.” Steven’s face was flushed as tears formed in his eyes.

Pink stared up at his other half. Even though he was disheveled and crying, he was still the most beautiful thing to Pink. Yes, he was terrified of him. But if he could fix him, he could be everything he ever wanted.

Pink wiggled one of his hands free from the human, bringing it up to cup his face. He rubbed a tear away as Steven pressed his face into the gem’s warm hand.

“I know.”

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you would like to see the NSFW scene illustrated that's here: https://twitter.com/LewdGaudess/status/1334647379497156609?s=20
> 
> Thank you for reading!

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!


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